Tuesday 15, January 2002

BBC-1, 11.05pm.

From Denise Hale.

As few people seem to have caught this programme I decided that an almost virtual transcript would be more appropriate. I hope you enjoy it.

Denise J Hale
18th January 2002

Notes for Regiment.

The Viagra references, I think, were prompted by a joke Johnny told before Richard came on.

“nob” is a shortening of nobility/nobleman and refers to an aristocrat, it is normally used in a derisive way. The possibility of a double entendre exists as the word ‘knob’ is a slang term for a certain part of the male anatomy.

The “wedged up” reference is referring to the probability that, as a relatively unknown actor, Richard would not have been highly paid for his contribution to Withnail and I.

The Letterman chat show formula was introduced to audiences here in the eighties by Channel 4’s “The Last Resort”, hosted by Jonathan Ross. It is the latest vehicle for Johnny Vaughan following his move from Channel 4’s Big Breakfast to BBC. Johnny does not seem completely at home in this environment. So far guest format is first guest, very well known and highly popular, second guest, someone totally obscure who will not be known to the majority of viewers. Richard was, of course, in the first category.

“Actor, quintessential Englishman, although, straight out of Swaziland. Steve Martin calls him ‘Relentless’. Gary Oldman, ‘Outrageous’, Michelle Pfeiffer, ‘Sex Machine’. I just call him, Richard E Grant.”

Richard appears smiling and looking relaxed whilst the audience provide a very warm welcome. He is very tanned and attired in a grey roll-neck sweater, dark grey trousers and a black, suit-style, leather jacket. He shakes hands with the host and they sit down.

“You look fabulous,” states Johnny in admiration, “You’re an awesome looking man.”

Agreement is echoed from audience.

“Even heterosexual man flex a bit around him,” Johnny tells the audience, clearly in flex mode himself.

Queries on acquisition of tan reveal that Richard has been on holiday to Barbados. Ooo’s from audience, who given that it is a cold, damp January would very much like to be holidaying in Barbados. Richard smiles self-effacingly.

“Something special happen there didn’t it,” prompts Johnny. “My producer told me you were going to tell us about it.”

“Yes,” agrees Richard still smiling. “I was at a dinner party and someone asked me if I played tennis. If I’d heard of Bjorn Borg. Legend! Do you want to play him at tennis?” Richard’s tone is incredulous as he recounts this story. “He was here … bandy legs … hair just the same. Two hours he got the ball into the net twice.”

“Does he still play quite a boring baseline game with you?” asked Johnny.

Richard laughs in disbelief at question. “He was absolutely … unbelievingly … awesomely brilliant!”

“So he won!”

Richard laughs again. “Yep!” he confirms.

“Did your game improve if you’re playing someone that good?”

“I don’t know if it works if sleeping with the most beautiful person that it improves what you do in the Viagra department.”

“You slept with him!” exclaims Johnny.

“No! No!” protests Richard laughing. “No I just smashed balls across the net at him.” Laughs again. “And I didn’t have to pay either.”

“Whatever,” shrugs a bemused Johnny. “So you’re playing a footman in the new film Gosford Park.”

“Richard nods. “I am. First time I’ve ever been cast as a downstairs person, as opposed to a nob.”

Johnny ignores bait despite titters from audience.

“So how was it?” he enquires. “Do you enjoying playing a downstairs person?”

“Yeah. Coz the whole story is told from the point of view of the servants. It’s set in an upstairs/downstairs 1930’s house. A murder has happened and no one gives a damn about it, because the servants don’t care about the people upstairs, and the people upstairs find the guy who was murdered boring. So it all works out. And everyone downstairs is shagging everyone else. And upstairs they’re just obsessed with their money. And downstairs don’t have any.”

“Amazing cast in this as well,” comments Johnny starting to list names that Richard adds to. “Any egos?” queries Johnny.

“No. They all just even each other out I think. Because there were so many famous names on it there was a kind of policing that took place with everyone watching what everyone else was doing. It was slightly like being in Madame Tussauds live! Everywhere you looked there was somebody you hadn’t seen before.”

Johnny asks about working with Robert Altman, commenting that he obviously likes Richard having cast him twice before.

“He’s just turned 76. And he has the most open-minded, open approach, you could wish for. So he’s as good as you get. He encourages everybody to be what you’re really good at.”

Johnny then queries the reason that such “big names” work for him.

“I think it’s because of MASH and Nashville from the 70’s. It’s almost like a kibbutz. In that you think, how can people go to Israel and work for nothing. And people will pay their way to go there. So it’s the one time. The only time. Julia Roberts was in Prêt a Porter and it is the one time, only time, that I know I’ll get the same salary as Julia Roberts. You know the work you’re doing is worthwhile so that attracts people.”

“Withnail and I is just out on DVD,” Johnny moves on. “Do you get sick of talking about Withnail? It was at the very start of your career.”

“Not at all. No,” responds Richard with a smile.

“Do you ever get slightly pissed off?” persists Johnny.

“Do you think I should get sick of talking to people?” Richard asks straight-faced.

“No,” assures Johnny, “But do you ever get slightly cross that perhaps. It was the first thing you did and … how can I put this gently … you probably weren’t greatly wedged up for it.”

Richard just shakes his head and laughs.

“You know, “ continues Johnny, “I was thinking why isn’t there a sequel to Withnail and I?” He turns to the audience. “Wouldn’t you love to see a sequel to Withnail and I?

Audience ‘yes’ and something inaudible is yelled out. Richard frowns uncertainly.

“And that,” quips Johnny, “is spontaneous enthusiasm.”

“Could you translate it?” suggests Richard.

“Hell! Yeah! They said,” Johnny informs us.

“I’ve thought of a little pitch. I thought of a little movie for this,” Johnny earnestly informs Richard whilst clutching his prompt card.

“Okay,” agreed Richard, his elbow on table with hand supporting chin.

“Uncle Monty dies in sleazy circumstances.”

Richard, looking uncertain, moves away from table.

Johnny urges him, “No, no, bear with me.”

“Okay,” agrees Richard doubtfully.

“This is my device for getting the two of them together,” Johnny explains. “At the funeral Withnail sees the Paul McGann character, Marwood. Who is now a big, successful Hollywood star. Withnail hasn’t done nothing since. Maybe ‘The Bill’ or some theatre.”

Richard laughs, as does audience. Johnny continues, “They start chatting. You must come over to Hollywood. Withnail is penniless. Marwood goes back to LA. Next day Withnail discovers he has inherited Uncle Monty’s money. He can afford to go over to Hollywood!”

“Ah fantastic,” exclaims Richard, “And he gets completely arseholed. Legless on the plane.”

“Now you’re talking to me baby,” exclaims a delighted Johnny. “Go on!”

“So Marwood has to get him off the plane.”

“That’s the first time Marwood knows Withnail’s arrived,” Johnny enthusiastically elaborates. “Coz he has to bail him out of the airport. Air rage.”

“Right. And then what?”

“I think we should shut up. This is a lot of money this film,” Johnny decides. He looks at his card.

“Last five,” he tells Richard. “Your quickies.”

“Alright,” agrees Richard.

“You’re Swaziland’s favourite son how are you treated when you go back there?”

“Like a god!” Richard exclaims, then he laughs self-mockingly. “They’ve got no cinema,” he explains. “The cinema was burnt down. I don’t think they know I exist anymore.”

Sympathetic ah! from Johnny and the audience.

“But you speak a bit of the local language.”

“I can,” confirmed Richard.

“And … I’m not going to do that joke. Give us a little bit,” he coaxed. “A burst.”

Richard obliges.

Johnny tries to repeat.

“It’s Swati,” Richard informs him. “It means, no I don’t want to.”

At Johnny request he repeats the sound. Johnny tries unsuccessfully to imitate it while Richard pulls a face.

“You’re wife’s a voice coach,” Johnny reads from his card. “But you failed the audition for the film Face because you couldn’t do an East End accent.”

“I told them halfway though. There was this audition with Damian Alban and Ray Winstone I started doing this East End accent and halfway though I said, I know I am a perfumed, middle-class pounce and I can’t pull this off. I apologized.”

“So you walked out of the audition?” interrupted Johnny.

Richard agreed that he had, saying that they all encouraged him to continue but he knew it just wasn’t working. So he graciously left.

Johnny reads from card. “Richard E Grant is not your real name.”

Richard confirms this.

“Can you tell us what your real name is?”

Smiling Richard replies, “No.”

“Oh! Okay then,” a surprised Johnny replies. Looking at the card he moves onto the next question.

Johnny then asks him about what Wah! Wah! And what it means. Richard explains that the way English colonials spoke was dubbed wah wah by an American lady. He also said that the film was really based on his father’s life story.

“What did he do?” queries Johnny.

“He was director of education for the English Government out there.”

Johnny returns to his card. “I understand you do an impression of a wart hog coming out of its hole. Can we hear it?”

“If I have Viagra first,” replies Richard.

“Have you got a tattoo?” Johnny asks.

Richard replies in the negative looking a bit confused.

“Considered getting one?” queries the host.

“I don’t think I have enough flesh to put one on!”

“A massive back piece,” suggests Johnny.

“No… have you got one?”

Johnny jokes about one across his chest before turning to the camera and continuing with his link to the next piece about tattoos, without thanking Richard! (Although he did do so at end of programme.)