– Her (sober) version of events!!

There once was an actor from Swaz
Very tall, dark and handsome he was
Used to hope and I’d pray
That I’d meet him one day
Then I did! Thanks to Dominique from Oz

It all started with one small email
‘Bout a showing in London of Withnail
And a chance we could buy
THE coat worn by THE guy
The thoughts of it made me go pale

So the ticket I bought on the Net
Hadn’t thought how I’d pay for it yet
Then I thought “Do or Die”
Can’t let this chance go by
So booked hotels & flights – what the heck?

My whole family thought I was mad
& By some Internet scam I’d been had
I said “Wait ’til you see
Pic’s of Richard and Me
You’ll be sorry you thought I was Sad !!”

So I got on the plane on my own
To the ends of the earth I’d have flown
I HATE flying you see
Heights do nothing for me
And to panic attacks I am prone !!

Well I made it there safe in one piece
My confidence starting to increase
Trac was cool as can be
Waiting patiently for me
We went looking for grub – chips and grease !!

The excitement was getting too much
I felt I was going to lose touch
It all felt like a dream
Or the kind of movie scene
Full of smoke, clouds and daydreams and such

We met the rest of the REGiment in town
It was hard just to keep a drink down
All our carrots pinned on
Thanks to Neil and to Dom
People looked at us funny and frowned

We went in and got seated at last
Posh & Becks arrived in with a blast
But the star of the show
Well in my eyes I know
Was dear REG – who looked slightly aghast

He was funny and charming – top class
Wearing combats which complimented his ass !!
He thanked us in his speech
Poor Dom tried not to screech
I thought Jaysus – I’m one lucky lass

It was all for a very good cause
Every bid was met with applause
Christies’s Guy – he was tough
But Wey Hey – not enough
Cos Dom got those pics in her paws

Chris Evans himself bought THE coat
You could see he was trying not to gloat
I got Paul’s autograph
He has such a sexy laugh
While Tracy just stared at his throat

I had to go out for some air
There were cameras and press everywhere
But the best was to come
Days like this – there’ll be none !!
When I walked beside Joan ‘cross the Square

We all gathered together at HOME
I could have been in the Twilight Zone
There were celebs everywhere
One of the Kemp Bros was there
This was euphoria – right through to the bone !!

The booze – how it started to flow
I just couldn’t face drinking – I know !!
Cos I’m Irish you see
Me & sobriety don’t agree
& at boozing I’m actually a pro

My stomach felt quesy and tight
My head was unusually light
My legs just wouldn’t move
Though I was dying to groove
I was really star-struck for the night

The REGiment took over the floor
When it ended they screamed out for more
What a night we had had
But I’ll admit I was glad
To reach bed and to dreamily snore

But the next day – Boy was I awake ?
This was going to be the icing on the cake
We were going to have lunch
With the best of the bunch
Richard E – (Wish I was thin as a rake !!)

At the restaurant we met with the rest
Most of them weren’t feeling the best
We were shown to our seats
All our hearts – they missed beats
As he strolled in on time – we’re impressed !!

He’s as nice in the flesh as on screen
He looked so fresh and youthful – pristine
Spoke to each one of us
Answered questions – no big fuss
“You’re the best” – I just wanted to scream

He even let us take oodles of Pics
Had to leave – poor Olivia was sick
Then he footed the Bill !!
Man is this guy for real ??
No drug could compare with this fix

When he left you could hear a pin drop
We’d just dined with the cream of the crop
No one else would do this
Have lunch with a mailing list !!
If I’m dreaming – please don’t let me stop !!

So this poem Reg, is from me just to say
Nothing else will compare to that day
When you went out to lunch
With a quite dodgy bunch !
Thanks again – but the next time WE’LL pay !!

By Karen Stokes
Dublin