UK Premiere Magazine – 1995

By Phillipa Bloom

The venue: The Ivy, London WC2.
The day: Tuesday, November 22, 1994.

The lunching companions: Richard E. Grant, just back from shooting The Cool Light Of Day in Prague, and Sandra Bernhard, in from the Big Apple for her new show, Excuses For Bad Behavior. Bernhard and Grant met on the set of the Bruce Willis disaster Hudson Hawk and are now old friends. Phillipa Bloom, our woman with the microphone, is not.

I wake up on Tuesday morning, the slight fluttering in my stomach of the past two days now a great thunderous flapping of butterflies the size of barrage balloons. The morning passes amidst a flurry of last-minute telephone calls. Sandra Bernhard needs a car from her hotel to The Ivy, to convey herself, Richard E. Grant and the publicist for her new film Dallas Doll. The publicist calls. Sandra has just seen Dallas Doll for the first time. Under no circumstances am I to mention Dallas Doll during lunch. The publicist no longer requires a lift. But we do need two extra places at the restaurant for Sandra’s manager and her stylist. Oh. And Sandra has an appointment after lunch. So make it quick. I am relying on at least one glass of wine to get me through the meal. So what would everybody like to drink? “Mineral water all round, thank you …”

Sandra Bernhard: This is a nice lookin’ menu. I wonder what shepherd’s pie is? What are the Cumberland sausages like?

Premiere: They’re spicy . .

Richard E. Grant: They look like big turds.

Sandra: Well, what is good? Jesus. Deep fried goujons of lemon sole with minted pea puree. That doesn’t sound so good either. What kind of fish is skate? Is that a white fish?

Premiere: It’s a flat fish …

Sandra: That sounds good. Pan-fried fillet of skate.

Richard: Jesus, in Budapest where we first met the food was literally like huge lumps of beef covered with snot cheese sauce, with violin music sawing away in your ears every night. . .

Sandra: But we did finally get Italian. There is a great Italian restaurant in Budapest.

Richard: We felt so conscience-stricken about the state of the Budapestians compared to the indulgence on Hudson Hawk. James Coburn said to us one night, “Leave your conscience behind, you can’t save the world.”

Premiere: So did you and Richard meet for the first time on Hudson Hawk?

Sandra: Yeah. You show her those stills?

Richard: Sandra went to Rome three weeks before everybody else to train with this dog and then they found out that the dog was deaf.

Sandra: Yeah, they drove me completely out of my mind, basically.

Premiere: I take it it wasn’t quite the finished film you hoped it would be?

Richard: It cost $75 million, and it was 94 minutes of final film. We thought we were going to do this spoofy James Bond kind of thing.Sandra: I thought it was going to be very sleek and sophisticated, very European and kind of hot and sexy, and instead it ended up being . . . crazy.

Premiere: What’s Bruce Willis like?

Sandra: What’s Bruce Willis like?

Richard: What’s Bruce Willis like? Very rich.

Sandra: Extremely rich.

Richard: I just met Maruschka Detmers in Prague when I was doing The Cool Light Of Day. She’s doing a movie with Dolph Lundgren.

Sandra: Oh dear.

Richard: The ex-Mr Grace Jones.

Sandra: That’s scary.

Richard: And Maruschka was replaced on Hudson Hawk by Andie MacDowell, so that was really odd to make that connection again.

Sandra: Kooky.

Richard: The last Eastern bloc country I’d been in was Budapest with Sandra.

Sandra: We passed the days by playing Boggle, that game where you shake up the letters . . .

Richard: We were stuck in this terrible hotel. We called it the Smell Hotel. It was in the middle of the Danube which is this sludgy shit colour and they had these mineral baths for people with ailments, and I swear there were old Nazis in these baths. There was a black actress who was African-American, Lorraine, in Hudson Hawk and the first day we all went into these baths together and all these old Germans got out as one.

Sandra: I guess it was the combination of a Jew and a black . . .

Richard: Sandra said, “Bloody old Nazis.” You gave ’em some right back.

Sandra: Damn right, baby.

Richard: I was terrified to meet you because I thought that you’d be exactly like Marsha in King Of Comedy and, of course, you were. But I thought at that stage the movie was going to be really good. But at the end of the script, our characters were going to be either decapitated by a falling Lenin statue, or come in fighting Bruce Willis on top of a limousine careering through the Kremlin which we thought was . . .

Sandra: But of course the Eastern bloc fell right before we started filming.

Richard: So we were in this bizarre situation of being three months in Rome and then a month in Budapest to do exteriors which were supposed to be Moscow, and then they changed the story, so we ended up doing Italian castle interiors two miles outside Budapest, in a studio, and the Budapest exteriors were never shown.

Sandra: So there was no reason to be there. We could have been here, we could have been in LA.

Richard: I wish.

Sandra: It was rather tortuous, but we had fun.

Richard: But there are people now that call this movie a cult movie.

Sandra: And they definitely love us the best in it. Of course, we think we should have a reunion with . . .

Richard: . . . Everybody else in our bad movies.

Sandra: We want to play the ones we should have been in. Like Hudson Hawk with Quentin Tarantino.

Richard: Yeah, he should have directed it. But after we met we went to the premiere of Die Hard 2 which was like going to a Roman Coliseum, people throwing popcorn and screaming and shouting, and Bruce was mobbed. Then at the Hudson Hawk premiere – in the same cinema, almost exactly a year later, it was the same guest list, the same deal . . .

Sandra: People choking on their popcorn.

Richard: When the lights came up, there was nobody left in the cinema. It was like they had said, “You are going to be gassed any minute,” and it had been evacuated. At the premiere party, about 50 people turned up and the only person who you had seen or heard of before was John Travolta, before Pulp Fiction. That really gave you a measure of how badly burned we were.

Premiere: How does that feel at the time?

Richard: Well, it didn’t cost me $75 million. I hadn’t written or directed or any of that so our butts weren’t on the line. All during making the movie they kept saying, “This is going to be Die Hard 3,” but . . .

Sandra: We knew it wasn’t. We were always up in our dressing room – we shared a dressing-room all through the filming. Everybody hated us for that. Nobody was supposed to bond on this movie, so they totally resented and despised us ’cause we were thick as thieves the entire time, walking round with permanent scowls, bitchy, evil. It was like, “Oh, the two of them are coming again.” We’d sit and eat together and bitch and moan together. I had a great time.

Richard: We stayed friends.

Sandra: I think ultimately you get more out of this business in terms of experiences with life, and emotion, and personal development than the actual film. I think filmmaking is kind of a scam, vastly overrated fun, but it’s really the people you connect with that makes it a great adventure.

Premiere: Have you ever written a film script?

Sandra: I have written scripts, but Without You I’m Nothing, the film that was based on my show, was as close as I’m ever going to come in a film to getting to do what I want to do. King Of Comedy had elements of that because it was pre the days of packaging. It was 1981, and Scorsese was still very-raw, and I think all the elements came together in a prophetic film – it was about what has become of film and television and the media.

Premiere: How does it feel to go out in the middle of the stage and do a one-woman show?

Richard: Yeah, share that with us, Sange.

Sandra: I’ve been doing it since I was 19, so there’s nothing else that makes me happier. It’s like being a boxer. You have to go in the ring and get the shit punched out of you every night until you build up all these scars and finally nothing fazes you. I love it, it’s the ultimate high to be alone on the stage commanding an audience.

Premiere: Have you ever had any fanatical fans?

Sandra: Everybody has a few crazy fans, but nothing that worries me. I always say that I can outcrazy the crazies. When the fans start getting scary, I get scarier.

Richard: Hahahaha!

Premiere: What about you, Richard – would you ever do a one-man show?

Richard: I had to do a one-man show in Prêt A Porter, but I’ve no idea how much of that comes into the final movie. No, I can’t sing, I can’t dance and I can’t tell jokes.

Premiere: I enjoyed your Prêt A Porter diaries.

Sandra: What’d you do ’em for?

Richard: For The Observer newspaper. There’s a bit about you and that conversation we had in the hotel about, “What do you have to do? You have to get blood out of these people to be in one their movies.” And what you said about Linda Hunt -Midget Monthly.

Sandra: I hope Linda doesn’t hate me too much. Did you work with her? You did scenes with her? That must have been visually . . . stunning.

Richard: They couldn’t find her. She was guaranteed more close-ups because she was so tiny, and everybody else was so tall in the movie.

Sandra: Just the idea other playing a fashion editor is slightly absurd, but that’s just my opinion. Continue, honey.

Richard: You’re a little more mellow today. You were like on stalks, being in Paris when you heard this news … So you’re promoting your new album [Excuses For Bad Behavior, Part One]. Are you going to do Bad Behavior, Part Two?

Sandra: No, that was just a tongue-in-cheek twist on Guns N’ Roses’ Use Your Illusion I and II. Just like the insanity and tackiness of the rock ‘n’ roll world, like you have enough talent to support two albums at once. “There was so much good material we couldn’t save it.”

Premiere: Are you still doing Roseanne, Sandra?

Sandra: Minm. Uh-uh.

Richard: I kept seeing you speaking German on this cable channel in Prague.

Sandra: It frightens me.

Richard: It was frightening.

Sandra: For some reason the Germans really like me. There’s a new show that broadcasts from New York to Germany called The River Cafe an they were really into me. I thought they just wanted to get my Jewish ass over there to do me in. What is that, like cheese?

Richard: For the fish soup. It’s like mustardy row.

Sandra: The food is excellent here. We’ve had some real stinkin’ meals here in London. Really. bad. One place that I used to go to all the time, this Indian restaurant. It was a disaster. They comped the meal, it was so bad.

Richard: They did? What did you do? Thank god I wasn’t there. Did you start shouting?

Sandra: No, no. My friend Cheryl was there. You think I’m hellacious. You think I can be insane. Cheryl was like, out of control.

Richard: If I don’t like something I just won’t go back again, but you stand on the tables and throw the stuff at them.

Sandra: I was very cool about it. I just didn’t feel like paying like $250 for a meal we couldn’t eat. Wooo, bring on the rest of the food. I’m ready to eat. Was that like a fishy tomatoey broth?

Richard: Just fish. Try?

Sandra: Well, it depends what kind of fish is in it.

Richard: It’s probably minced fish heads and innards, but it’s delicious.

Premiere: When you were doing PrÍt A Porter did you see a supermodel actually eat anything?

Richard: No. I went out to dinner with them quite a lot. They played with the food and they assured me they ate like horses, but I never saw them eat. They smoked constantly and they drank, but they didn’t eat.

Sandra: Some of ’em eat. Patti [model Patricia Velasquez, Bernhard’s longtime partner] eats.

Richard: I think out of the Hudson Hawk team we’re the only people that stayed friends.

Sandra: Who else is friends?

Richard: You know who.

Sandra: Oh yeah, you’re right, but I don’t consider that real friendship.

Richard: Bizship.

Sandra: Bizship. Oh, I like that. .

Richard: I saw Sally Hershberger who did Babs’s [Barbra Streisand] hair for the cover of Vanity Fair.

Sandra: Yeah, she’s over in Paris right now doing Meg Ryan’s movie. What’s it called? Paris Match? Sally’s paid more than anybody’s ever been paid to do hair on a film.

Richard: Are you still friends?

Sandra: Oh yeah.

Richard: ‘Cause last time I saw you, you weren’t.

Sandra: We made up again.

Richard: Every time I see you, people move in and out of favour.

Sandra: That’s not true, Richard. I’m friends with people and if they can’t communicate and they can’t be straight and there’s a problem, you’ve got to give people a rest sometimes.

Richard: That’s what I mean! They go out to pasture for six months till they get their good behaviour.

Sandra: Hey, I’m not callin’ the shots. People call the shots for themselves, honey. Make no mistake. I’m the most loyal friend in the fuckin’ world and I’m always there for people, 150 percent. And I think you know that. It’s not a sob story. It’s the truth. Oh, that was awesome. I could have eaten an entire order.

Premiere: I heard you’re doing Clive Anderson Talks Back.

Sandra: Yeah, I’m taping it on Sunday night. They sent me one to look at with Jackie Collins and Germaine Greer. I love Jackie.

Richard: She told me she’s a huge fan of yours.

Sandra: She’s been so sweet to me. The most unlikely people come out of the closet and support you at the weirdest moments, and she’s one of them. Jackie Collins, when my first book came out, she was picking her favourite Christmas books [for a US TV programme] and she did all these books and then says, “But my absolute favourite is Sandra Bernhard’s Confessions Of A Pretty Lady. It’s original, it’s fresh.” So I sent her flowers.

Richard: Two nice Jewish girls.

Sandra: For the record, she’s only half-Jewish.

Richard: Oh, she’s only half-Jewish, and you think that doesn’t count?

Sandra: Of course it counts, but she made it very clear, I didn’t make it clear. Honey, I’m as Jewish as the day is long and wear it like a badge of honour. Some people, however, aren’t comfortable with their ethnicity, as we know. I’m not saying she’s one of them, but. . .

Richard: Maybe she didn’t feel that she could compete as you got both parents.

Sandra: Have you seen [the play] Three Tall Women?

Richard: The prospect of watching a 91-year-old woman with Alzheimer’s for two hours doesn’t have me running . . . unless your ex-president has finally come out [Ronald Reagan recently announced he is suffering from Alzheimer’s].

Sandra: He’s got a nerve. He’s the same man who let all the people who were in institutions out on the street. That was the turning point in our fucking culture when he didn’t allow enough funding for people who needed it. That’s what started the whole thing, and then Maggie [Thatcher] jumped on board,

Richard: I think she’s gone quietly off her rocker. Finally. She was pretty far gone before, but now she’s on her hind legs, eyes on stalks. . .

Sandra: Baying at the fucking moon? She’s crazier than a fucking loon. [Sandra starts howling.]

Richard: Her son’s been revealed to be involved in arms deals. The satirists can’t keep up with either the Royal Family or Tory politicians.

Sandra: Oh, all of them with their erotic self-asphyxiation. It’s fabulous, on a table with a tangerine shoved in his mouth. What was that about? Wanted the bittersweet taste of fruit as he hung himself with a pair of pantyhose? I mean, the lengths people have to go to get off these days.

Richard: So this was all reported in the States? Kinky English people?

Sandra: Yeah, Time magazine following up on the exploits of the right-wing sex fanatics.

Richard: Global soap opera.

Sandra: It’s extremely English. [Looks around the restaurant.] See anybody interesting?

Richard: I’ve just seen [Richard E. Grant names a well-known American woman film producer based in the UK].

Sandra: Where is she? Where?

Richard: Over there. She’s just being kissed by Trudi Styler [Sting’s wife].

Sandra: But I don’t see her.

Richard: Lean forward.

Sandra: Oh, I’ll catch her on the way out.

Richard: Are you still going to that gym?

Sandra: We went to the gym yesterday. In between all the interviews we ran there with all my full hair and make-up and I kept it perfect.

Premiere: Are you a gym person, Richard?

Richard: What do you think?

Sandra: You told me you were working with a trainer, right?

Richard: Lasted two weeks. I just didn’t have the bottle, l just thought, you know . . .

Sandra: They love me just the way I am.

Richard: I like to be fit, but I was not going to be turning myself into . . .

Sandra: Arnie.

Richard: I wish. Adonis features. I would have had to have pectoral implants.

Premiere: I read in your diary that Rupert Everett is now transformed.

Richard: That’s right. He used to be as skinny as I was and his neck is now as thick as my upper thigh. He’s huge. I said, “What motivates you?” And he said, “Sex”.

Sandra: I guess he meets people at the gym.

Richard: Or maybe the results lead to …

Sandra: Further meetings. Great meetings of the mind. You know what was on cable last night? I didn’t see the whole thing because it put me to sleep – Boxing Helena with Julian Sands, playing like the craziest motherfucker I’ve ever seen.

Richard: Kim Basinger’s getting her money back.

Sandra: She should be. I mean, anyone who would go see that movie would know why she dropped out of the fuckin’ thing.

Richard: I heard during PrÍt A Porter that she’d declared herself bankrupt ’cause they fleeced her for something like eight million bucks.

Sandra: Did you say they fleeced her? I love that. I’m sure she had the last laugh ’cause, man, that movie was fuckin’ on . . . Sherilyn Fenn was throwing things and I fell asleep.

Premiere: Have you seen Pulp Fiction?

Richard: I love that movie. Did you?

Sandra: It was good.

Premiere: What did you think of John Travolta?

Sandra: I think it’s safe to say that he’ll be winning an Oscar.

Richard: Quentin, we’re available.

Sandra: I’ve said it on a number of occasions. I’m still waiting to hear from him.

Premiere: What did you think of Natural Born Killers, Sandra?

Sandra: Way over the top. Unnecessary. King Of Comedy made the statement a lot better, a lot sooner. [Looking at Grant’s seafood platter] Wow baby, you went for the gold.

Richard: A breath-freshening dish here.

Sandra: Where did they get the lobsters? Boston?

Richard: No, these are too tiny for Boston lobsters.

Sandra: The sea is so polluted that I don’t really feel comfortable eating lobster, to tell you the truth. The claws always taste very iodiney now. Let me smell that claw. Actually it doesn’t smell so bad, it smells pretty fresh.

Richard: Better be, otherwise I’ll sue them. By post. Get you to stand on the table top.

Sandra: You know what was on TV last night? It was Ralph Fiennes in Wuthering Heights. Well, I could see from his role in that how Spielberg picked him [for Schindler’s List] because he is equally nasty in that. Is he that way?

Richard: No, no, no. Not at all.

Sandra: Is he a sweet guy? Scary. [Pointing at Grant’s seafood platter] What is that thing there?

Richard: That is a scallop.

Sandra: But what’s next to it?

Richard: That’s part of the scallop.

Sandra: It’s a disturbing presentation. That little red bit looks like some nasty, bitter, fetid…

Richard: Dog’s penis.

Sandra: Dog’s penis. I’m performing on MTV tonight.

Premiere: Singing?

Sandra: [sarcastically] No, I’m doing an exotic dance. I’m stripping. Yeah, I’m singing.

Richard: [poking at the remains of his platter] That little red bit’s gone.

Sandra: [pointing at a mussel] But this one is particularly vaginal and lippy.

Richard: A labia platter.

Sandra: They bring you the whole fuckin’ assortment here. I wish I had a giant pointer so I could point as you’re eating. How old’s your baby now?

Richard: She’s going to be six in January.

Sandra: [sifting through the debris on the platter] Anything left? A little scoopy-poopy? I have to say this restaurant lives up to its reputation.

Richard: It’s passed the Bernhard test.

Premiere: Is the theatre company you founded in Cape Town University still going?

Richard: No. It continued a few years after I left, but it’s disbanded now. All over, but good while it lasted. I’ve been back twice in 12 years, but I’m going back to Swaziland for three weeks after Christmas with my wife and daughter.

Sandra: How’s your mom doin’?

Richard: She’s OK.

Sandra: What about your stepdad? Wasn’t he called The Colonel or something?

Richard: Whoo knoooooows [holds up his hands as though warding off evil). It’s my daughter’s sixth birthday and when we’re there I’m going to take her to the game reserve because they have warthogs and things, friendly ones, you know, tame ones.

Sandra; User-friendly warthogs.

Richard: [now picking at Sandra’s plate] Are you eating these? You have all eaten like midgets today. Oh, you can’t say that anymore. To be PC you have to say . . .

Sandra: What do you say?

Richard: Height-impaired persons.

Sandra: Please. Gimme a break. I’m always in the eye of the storm of the PC rights and wrongs. Usually those are the most racist, sexist people just covering it up with a veneer of bullshit.

Richard: But aren’t personal computers called PCs as well?

Sandra: And then you can get your hair cut really peecee, which is my favourite form of “PC-in”

Richard: You’re always like a little hen, Sandra. You always say that you’re starving, and you get there and it’s like you eat half of the first course, a third of the third . . .

Sandra: Which is why I stay thin.

Richard: So what’s this theory about Jackie Onassis committing suicide. Is it bullshit?

Sandra: I think it’s true, actually. She wanted to die with dignity, you know, she knew there was nothing that was gonna help, so … I think they just gave her a big shot of morphine ’cause she wouldn’t have died that fast. No way. Know what I mean? She just came from hospital and died that afternoon. Highly unlikely. God bless her, though. Well, you know, they were a very practical family. Hey baby, everybody has their own decorum. As intense as it may be.

Richard: How do you want to go when you go? Do you want to be buried?

Sandra: Oh honey, I don’t have those conversations. They’re too bizarre for me.

Richard: But do you have any concept that you are going to go? I can’t.

Sandra: No, I’m in total denial.

Richard: I’m in denial – I’m hoping for 114 years.

Sandra: I’m counting on it. Are we going to do any dessert, because if we are we’d better do it baby, ’cause we got pictures to take and then I got to skidaddle back to Seattle. What d’you think?

Richard: We could share one. Or we could just go [slurps the air].

Sandra: Yah. We’ll get a quickie. [To the hovering waiter] What’s chocolate trio? You wanna share that?

Richard: I don’t eat chocolate, but you share.

Sandra: [Turning to yours truly] You’ve got my water.

Premiere: Sorry.

Sandra: No, no, it’s OK. [She takes a mouthful of water and slooshes it round her cheeks before swallowing.]

Richard: She always does that. Every time I see you I think of your feet – those rabbit paws that you’ve got.

Premiere: Rabbit paws?

Sandra: Long, long skinny feet.

Richard: She has long feet with toes just like a rabbit. So when did you see Miss Martel? I loved that in your book, I laughed so much.

Sandra: I saw her a few weeks ago at an art opening and she totally shined me on and then a few days ago we were all walking out of a restaurant and she came over to me and was kissing my ass. She’s crazier than a …

Richard; So who do we need a job from? Quentin Tarantino. Who else is on the list?

Sandra: Woody Alien. I’ve been after Woody for about 12 years now.

Richard: He’s probably so frightened now, he’s gone into hiding with young Soon [Soon-Yi Previn, his stepdaughter and lover].

Premiere: So who else? Robert Altman?

Sandra: [glaring at Grant] He’s worked with Robert Altman, a couple of times. I’m still waiting for my phone call. I sat next to him [Altman] in the Hudson Hawk premiere and he told me how much he loved me. I said, “Well, please use me.” And he said, “I will, I will.” That was the last I heard from him.

Richard: Having thought I would never ever get employed after being in Hudson Hawk, he was sitting right behind us at the premiere and he gave me a job as a result.

Sandra: You got the job, I didn’t.

Richard: And I’m glad, Jesus.

Sandra: Who else? I’d definitely want to work with Sally Potter, even though she’s a friend of mine. You get friendly with people and it’s hard to say, “Will you put me in your next movie?” And I definitely want to work with Jane Campion.

Richard: Maybe we should do a readers’ poll for who you would like us to … Mind you, it could be devastating. They might say, “We never want to see this fucker in a movie ever again.”

Sandra: I doubt that will happen. I feel confident. [She suddenly stands up and glares across the room in the direction of the aforementioned film producer.] That’s the back of her head?

Richard: Umm, yes, she’s in a green suit.

Sandra: Jesus. She’s like a linebacker for the tuckin’ Green Bay Packers. Jesus.

Richard: She’d turn a married woman.

Sandra: I was gonna say, “Whose boyfriend is she these days?” Uhuhuhuh. That was a pretty good line, I have to say. I’ll have to remember that one. Isn’t it good? Please don’t forget to remind me to write that down. Whose boyfriend is she these days?

Richard: Well, write it down now.

Sandra: Yeah. You got a piece of paper? You better, you’re a journalist. I know you live in the world of computers but. . .

Richard: Are you in nipple caps and tassles in the show on Monday night?

Sandra: Yeah, there’s skin.

Richard: Did you see her show in Los Angeles? Fantastic. She came on in the beginning with these sunglasses singing . . . Fever. Killed me. You don’t do that anymore, do you?

Sandra: No, new opening, new song. So, They’re picking us up at five for MTV. Excellente.

Richard: I’m so glad I’ve still got my hair and teeth since I last saw you.

Sandra: Aren’t we all.

Richard: I’m sure you are. Oh, you mean for yourself.

Sandra: And you. Hey, you’ve held on to your hair pretty well.

Richard: Yeah, just hanging in there. Coming up to the windy 40s, though. I don’t want to be one of those guys who go through Waterloo station with this thing sort of swinging in the wind and having to slap it down again.

Sandra: You could get one of those weaves, curly weaves.

Richard: Please, let me not go the way of the weave, the Steiger way.

Premiere: Would you ever have plastic surgery?

Richard: I’m hoping I’m not going to have to have one of those rugs. I’m far more frightened of losing all my hair than death because death there’s nothing you can do about. But hair loss is something . . .

Sandra: Something that is not universal.

Richard: Exactly. How do you feel about plastic surgery? Would you ever be nipped or tucked?

Sandra: Nothing that I had to go under the knife for.

Richard: When gravity finally takes its toll and your dewlaps are hanging round your knees. Just get that gaffer tape under a wig.

Sandra: Pull it all up and tie it.

Richard: I always wonder how many people have been done because the people that have obviously been done always deny that they ever have been done . . . This is not high art concept here, we just like talking about the sleaze end of our market, don’t we?

Sandra: We’re ending where most people begin in this business, scraping the barrel.

Richard: So. Interview With The Vampire. Why is it such a huge success? Are they true to the book?

Sandra: The little girl is actually brilliant in it. She’s scary good. She was the scariest thing in the film. Really good. And Brad Pitt is very good in it. They’re definitely the highlights. I liked Dracula a lot better than Interview With The Vampire. I liked Dracula a lot, I love that movie.

Premiere: If you could play a great historic character, who would it be?

Richard: Elizabeth I, Boadicea – Boadicea Bernhard. Bernhard i-s- Boadicea.

Sandra: That sounds good.

Richard: In her tin bra she rides her chariot through pagan Britain.

Sandra: It’s so weird you’re saying this because you know Morgan, the woman who directed my video, is obsessed with her, and wants to write a script and put me in it. Isn’t that weird? So maybe it’ll happen. [The chocolate trio arrives.] Oh my god, how funny. Tiny, tiny.

Richard: Just for you. Are you going to come to the PrÍt A Porter opening?

Sandra: If I’m invited. Tell them to invite me, I’d love to come. Maybe tell them to invite me and Isaac [Mizrahi]. I definitely want to come, of course. Love to. I think we’d better grab cheque. I hate keeping people waiting. Everybody’s early in London, which is nice.

Richard: They’re not in New York?

Sandra: I don’t think everybody’s as punctual as people in England. Like the reporters and stuff always there 15 minutes ahead of time, waiting. I hate being late, it’s not my style.

Richard: Is that rich, what you’re eating?

Sandra: It’s extremely rich, honey. If they don’t hurry up we’re gonna be skipping that coffee ’cause it’s three o’clock and we still have to do pictures. Actually I got to go to the bathroom [To her make-up assistant] You wanna fix me in the bathroom? Let me go out and make a little pee-pee, me-pee.

Richard: You can go and see the quarterback on the way out. [Sandra leaves.]

Premiere: Does Withnail And I seem a long ago to you now?

Richard: It does and it doesn’t, because I keep meeting people that are just leaving school that have adopted this movie. I met some people at the weekend from Leeds University who said people have Withnail parties. So it does feel less long ago than things I’ve made more recently because people have latched onto that one. Very odd if you have people who are 16 or who were ten when the movie was made.

Premiere: You wrote in your diary that the first piece of filming for Prêt A Porter kind of caught you off guard. It strikes me that the work that goes onto the screen is quite arbitrary.

Richard: Well, it was unique in that way because normally if you’d had a script you could have done all that, you could have researched it for five years or whatever, but on this thing the script’s like a coat-hanger structure for the whole film. You know that going in on an Altman film which is part of its excitement, but at the same time when you’re playing somebody who you’re supposed to be very knowledgeable about something – like I’m supposed to be a designer then you are really grabbing out of the sky potted biographies and stuff you’ve read in the press, and just what you absorb being around those people. But I found that really terrifying.

Premiere: Did wearing those clothes help?

Richard: I think so. I got so used to being in that gear. When I saw my picture in Vanity Fair, I nearly fell over because it just looked so extreme I don’t know. I hope it turns out good, I had such a good time doing it.[Sandra returns to the table].

Sandra: What’s this?

Richard: Just talking about Prêt A Porter. So Monday night, what do we do about dinner? Do you want to call me?

Sandra: Let’s just do it, but there might be a few extra people ’cause, you know what it’s like . OK. We should go. (She gets up to leave.]

Richard: [rising] Thank you, Premiere.

Sandra: [over her shoulder] Yeah. Thanks for putting some decent food in my stomach at last

Dallas Doll is released in the UK on February 3. Prêt A Porter on March 31.