Total Film Magazine – June 2004

The Withnail & I star on the joys of a maths-free life and the never-ending novelty of the London Underground.

What’s the last good movie you saw in the cinema?

The Godfather Part II in 1974.

What’s the most ridiculous rumour you’ve ever heard about yourself?

That Steven Spielberg and Quentin Tarantino were arguing in the lobby of the Chateau Marmont last week about which one of them was going to direct me first.

What’s the strangest place you’ve ever seen your own image?

Waking up in a Prague hotel, switching on the TV and seeing myself speaking fluent Czech…

Did you like how you sounded?

Yeah, but I sound even better in French. Especially as the French voice I was dubbed with sounded like it had 10-gallon-deep-sized bollocks.

Who did you have a poster of on your bedroom wall when you were a teenager?

Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC standing defiantly facing her future in a furry homemade bikini, 3,000 years before bikinis were officially invented. Not that historical accuracy was on my agenda back then…

When did you last use public transport?

Every day when I’m in London – the District Line Underground. Though I’ve now lived in London for two decades, I’ve never lost the thrill of going underground in one place and coming up and out in the middle of somewhere else.

What’s the worst piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

That passing maths ‘0’ level is essential if you are to succeed in adult life. Bollocks. I got nine percent in my mock exam, still can’t count or do my times tables, and I am having a great multiplication-free life. My sympathies to all fellow sufferers who still have to fraction and percentage their miserable way through logarithmic hell.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. I’m a Darwinian rationalist, so they don’t really figure. But I’ll let you know if I see one.

Cheers. What’s your favourite smell?

It’s a tie between gardenias, my daughter’s neck and lychees.

You have a time machine. When or where would you go and why?

Around the world in a day to see everyone I know and love dotted around the planet, have a meal and a chat, never feel full, then be back in my bed without jet lag.

So you wouldn’t go to either the future or the past?

No I say favour the here-and-now rather than the mirage of the past or the illusory promise of the future.

You can turn invisible. Describe your first act.

Remember that scene in E.T. when Elliot releases all the lab frogs? Well, I’d free all the animals trapped in zoos, laboratories, battery farms, aviaries, circuses… You get the idea.

Name a book you’ve read more than three times.

Alice In Wonderland – the best guide to being British I know of.

What’s the most regrettable haircut you’ve ever had?

Well, I bought Bowie’s Pin Ups album circa 1973, the one with him and Twiggy looking all pom-pom topped and glam-rocked so I got myself the Swaziland barber version. I thought it looked the business. Sadly, I was in a minority of one when verdict was passed at school the next day.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever been given?

I met a school friend I hadn’t seen since I was seven years old and he declared, “You haven’t changed a bit! Still over wound-up, still asking too many questions…”

Overwound-up eh? So have you punched anyone for real?

Never! Though I have a shortlist of fuckers that could do with a good slap, but then again, that’s the moron’s option… But then again, the political poobahs “in charge” might come good on all their empty promises if they thought every pensioner in every hospital queue or pension line were to storm Westminster and give ’em a collective bunch of fives. Might be a laugh.

Speaking of which… Know any good jokes?

No, but falling over and/or farting always work a treat…

Richard E Grant’s latest movie, Monsieur N, is released on 23 April and reviewed on page 40. Find out more about Mr Grant at his official website www.richard-e-grant.com

Click the image above for a larger version of the actual interview.