Tuesday 16th December 2003

Why can’t women tell jokes? – Because they marry them.

A report by Joan Roach – at The Savoy Hotel, London

First of all, a bit of background for you: The world-renowned Savoy Hotel in London is a luxurious 5 star hotel situated on The Strand with an unsurpassed view of the Thames. It first opened in 1889 and has long since been a favourite of travellers worldwide. The Savoy Hotel has a spectacular riverside setting. It combines traditional style and service with modern facilities, has a great location for theatre, sight-seeing and business and the rooms with river views provide wonderful views of London. In its hey day such people as Oscar Wilde took up residence here at the height of his career. Indeed, the list of dignitaries and stars who have checked in over the years reads like a who’s who of the 20th Century.

The Savoy in all its glory

That was the venue where the hotel’s Writer in Residence – Kathy Lette held a literary dinner last night. Kathy’s novels, Girls Night Out, Foetal Attraction and Altar Ego have propelled her firmly to the top of the Best Seller list. The Literary Dinners to be held were a chance to enjoy her lively wit over a delicious gourmet dinner. Kathy had persuaded an impressive array of co-speakers to debate with her; it was the turn of Richard E Grant and the topic for last night was “Why Can’t Women Tell jokes – Because They Marry Them”!

It started with a champagne reception in a lovely room overlooking the River Thames and Embankment called “The Princess Ida Room”. We were greeted with champagne and canapés and an array of books were stacked on a table: Kathy Lette’s latest book “Dead Sexy” and two from Richard – “With Nails” and “By Design”. I took my friend Anne and we got chatting to a lady who belonged to the Globe Theatre; she was very interested to hear about Richard and of course I gave her a thumb-nail history, and she asked which book she thought she would enjoy more!! I am not going to tell you what I said as I think you probably guessed already what I recommended.

Kathy massages Richard’s shoulder

We had arrived early at 7.20 (the reception due to start at 7.30) and Richard and Joan strolled in ten minutes later. They were greeted by Kathy Lette’s PR lady from the Savoy; I waited for a little while and then went over to them and politely said to Richard, “Do you remember me Richard?” and he promptly replied “Of course, hello Joan” – I was quite amazed, he obviously has a very good memory for names and faces. He introduced me to his wife Joan and said “This is Joan too” and we were chatting a little about the REGiment, me being a member etc, and I said I had seen a few pictures of her and she replied “Did they look like me then” and I said “Yes”. I didn’t chat for long as other people were coming up to say hello and I did tell Richard that Cam had requested that I post a report, so warned Richard that I would be coming later to take pictures – he just grinned.

An old lady came straight up to us and said to me “Are you Kathy Lette then?” and I said “No, I think this lady (pointing to the PR lady) will be able to tell you” and the old lady was muttering about how she believed Kathy Lette was very approachable and she had met Fay Weldon a while ago and she had been the same! The PR lady had just explained that Kathy was running late when the lady herself appeared in tow with her small daughter (who looked about 8 or 9) and apologised to Richard and Joan for being a bit late. She looked very vibrant and attractive – she was wearing a bright dark pink outfit and looked very trendy! She was actually saying “I am trying to look the part”!

We were then called to our tables and the meal itself was served in a lovely room called the Beaufort Room – there were 6 tables and we each had our own name-setting so of course sat in the nominated seats! Anne and I were placed on Table 3 which had a good view of the podium where the “talk” was going to be conducted from. We weren’t far from Richard’s table – but I tried not to look over too much!

We all enjoyed a good dinner – lots of waiters around and all very professional: I was very impressed with the Savoy, having never been there in my life and there I was sitting casually having dinner and not far away was Richard and his wife on a table with Kathy Lette, her small daughter and a few other people. A couple of times various men walked in to say hello to Kathy and they were shaking Richard’s hands too – not sure who they were.

Richard demonstrating how he skis around Christmas trees. Bend ze knees, Richard. Bend ze knees.

When we had finished dinner the PR lady (sorry, didn’t get her name) spoke to us and said she wanted us to think of some questions for later to ask of Kathy and Richard. Kathy then spoke to us and her wit was very near the mark at times and everyone was laughing, Richard grinning and turning around a few times rolling his eyes in our direction! One lady though on my table didn’t seem very impressed – she was a bit strait-laced and I think perhaps she hadn’t realised what was in store.

There was an American lady and her husband and daughter who were really nice on our table and she said the reason she had come was solely to see Richard Eeeeee Grant! Her husband was British and her daughter was born here and they were enjoying everything, the same as Anne and myself.

It was typical taunts about the difference between men and woman and of course we women came up roses every time (obviously!). There were a few quite near the mark jokes about the different sexes and how they view “love-making” and childbirth and most women not wanting to have to “perform” afterwards and she gave a tip to the ladies about not being disturbed by their kids walking in “on them” by smearing Vaseline on the door knobs, as the kids wouldn’t be able to open the door, but of course all was presented in double-meaning talk. She was very funny and I can’t remember all her jokes and referral to men and women, as she talked very fast and of course forgave herself by saying she was from Australia etc.

After about 15 minutes Kathy introduced, in her own words, “That sex-god Richard E Grant” to the podium! Richard had a huge grin pasted on his face and first of all said “By the way, I don’t agree with anything Kathy has just said” and everyone roared laughing.

Richard and Joan (the wife Joan, not the REGiment Joan)

In his usual style of boyish charm and great sense of fun he commenced to read the “Madonna” chapter from With Nails. There was a lot of laughter and of course he did all the American accents – very brave of him considering Joan was there listening (for those who don’t yet know, Joan is a very professional well-known voice coach ……); he also discussed that he had a feminine as well as a masculine side and that is why he got on with Joan as she was also the same mixture. He gave as an example Prince Charles and Princess Diana saying that Diana was Feminine-Feminine so they didn’t get on but Princes Charles and Mrs Camilla Parker-Bowles (yes, he gave her full title) were both Masculine and Feminine so they got on. Then he mentioned Guy Ritchie and Madonna saying that they had the same mixture and then emphasised, yes, Guy is definitely both mixes! Richard then added that Kathy Lette and her husband both definitely had both mixes too – also another chuckle by repeating “Yes, definitely Kathy’s husband has both sides”.

There were a few questions from the audience, the usual stock question from one lady saying “Did WithNail and I change things for you” or something like that – and he remarked that the film had stayed “on the shelf” for a couple of years and was brought out at the right time and did very well and did have the success rate it had because of the timing too. So really Richard didn’t get a hard time at all – he had a good reception and I think he definitely has now added a few more “fans” to his ever-growing list – guys were also asking for his autograph.

Richard did remark that he thought opening doors for ladies was the polite thing to do, but at times he got accused by ladies saying “don’t be so pretentious” so he has put it down to his middle-class upbringing and his father’s teaching about being polite to ladies, and thought that it was the correct way to treat women – (of course it is, he is a very nicely brought up man, wish some more were). Then of course, he totally went the other way – remarked that it was rubbish that other men looked at things like hair, appearance etc on other men – it was the size of their “knob” that other men were impressed with – you looked down and there was a 16 incher staring at you so of course that was “wow, did you see that guy”!! He is outrageous isn’t he! I didn’t dare to look at my strait-laced lady on my right at that time. He did say though that he wasn’t sure what ladies would think if Pamela Anderson walked in with her huge “mammary glands”, but then said he thought ladies weren’t impressed with why men were impressed with huge mammaries!

Richard and Joan (the REGiment Joan this time around)

Afterwards I went up to Richard’s table and spoke to Joan for a little while – I remarked that we had read that she had 200 dialects on tape and she corrected me by saying “It is more like 300”! I said I had enjoyed Richard’s reading from his diary and we were talking about Richard being a bit shy and she said “Yes, he is quite shy actually”.

Joan signed my menu in the biggest space and then Richard had sat back down by then and signed the other side. Quite a few people were gathering for autographs so I waited for a bit longer and then asked very nicely could I please take his photo – there wasn’t anywhere to go really, so we went down to the end of the room next to quite a small Christmas tree – Richard stooped down for the photo – not sure why but it was a fun picture. There were two chairs placed by the tree so I asked could I have a picture with him and he said “Of course” and then mentioned something about a “chair” and sitting down so I just sat down, literally, and found there was no chair – Richard for some reason only known to himself moved it as he thought I might want to sit nearer to the tree, and was amazed to see that I had plonked down right on what I thought was the chair as previously it had been right behind me, only to find myself sitting on the carpet – he then said “I can’t believe I just did that” and he was mortified, and everyone nearby laughed so I laughed with them and so did Richard then! After Richard hauled me up on to my feet I just promptly sat down on the chair as if nothing had happened, apart from saying “Oh dear, I thought there was a chair there” …… I don’t think they had bargained for there to be a free cabaret!

Joan and Kathy have a cuddle

Kathy Lette came running down the room and said to me “Are you alright” and how did that happen and then she said “You handled that well” so I felt a whole lot better – more of my dignity back at that stage! That’s how I ended up having a photo with her and we had all admired her handbag so we decided to have a separate photo with her holding up “le handbag”. She was good fun I thought and I liked her.

Meanwhile, my friend Anne had been sitting next to Joan at the table when my “chair” act had been going on and she remarked “Oh dear, Joan seems to have a propensity for falling down” (I had just told her about my concussed head 10 mins previously) – Anne thought she might have thought it was something to do with the wine I had drunk but I hadn’t had much on account of my concussion, but never mind – I know how it actually happened.

Richard then came back and Joan said “What on earth happened there with the chair” and Richard replied that he wasn’t really sure but likened it to something out of Benny Hill!

Kathy showing off her “le handbag”

I took a picture of Joan and Richard at the end as Kathy had come back for them to take them off somewhere else in the hotel – they were all staying anyway so no long drive for them – Richard kissed me on the cheek and said “Happy Christmas Joan” so that made my year I can tell you guys.

There was an absolutely gorgeous giant Christmas tree in the main lounge and I would have loved to have taken a picture of Richard with that in the background, but luckily we had stuck to the small tree as my camera wasn’t strong enough for to do justice to the giant tree! I got my photos developed express today so I could get them to you right away ……. Hope you enjoy them and my report, or rambling – decided just to tell it as I was thinking about it, otherwise you would wait a long time to have a properly documented report.

Reported by
Joan Roach – 17 December 2003.

The menu, with added signatures.